“Why aren’t you drinking?”
Since getting sober during lockdown, I have luckily been able to skip through the first two months without having to answer any questions about why I’m not drinking. Over the past few years of trying to quit, I have always struggled in social situations, and would always just break my sober streak by accepting a drink in order to doge the whole “Why are you not drinking?” conversation.
Research shows that many people listed social pressure to be the main reason why they were not able to give up alcohol. Like me, most people would rather have the drink than be forced to have the difficult — and sometimes awkward — conversation about why they don’t want to drink on that particular day.
We live in a world where alcohol is shoved down our throat practically everywhere. Going for brunch? Have a mimosa or Bloody Mary! Going to the gym? Reward yourself with a beer! They even sell alcohol at the cinema nowadays. With alcohol being so present and normalized in our society, it’s understandable that there would be curiosity from others when you decide not to imbibe.
In all of the podcasts I have listened to about alcohol and recovery, the subject of what to say to your friends when you stop drinking never goes unmentioned. People want to know why.
Some people are probably just genuinely curious and want to make sure you’re doing ok — we like these people. They are supportive and kind, and don’t give you the old “Ah, go on! Just have one!” bit. They don’t linger too much if they notice you’re uncomfortable, and tell you they’re proud that you’re doing this amazing thing for yourself.
Then there are the pushers, not to quote Mean Girls, but… They push people. These are the people who give you a hard time and almost physically force you to take a drink. They’re probable older than you and they probably have their own messy relationship with alcohol so they’re projecting it all onto you. So far, I haven’t been in a situation where someone has tried to push a drink on me, but I am trying to be as prepared as I can because I know it’s going to happen. I have even practiced what I am going to say — because I know that in the past, this is when I have picked up a drink. It’s easier to accept a beer than it is to stand up to someone who is berating you or making fun of you for not drinking.
When this happens, I plan to say, “I don’t want to drink today. I am fine not drinking today. Why is it so important you that I drink? Why do you care if I am having a drink or not?” I want to flip the narrative back to them, because in reality, it has nothing to do with me not drinking. It’s about how I make them feel uncomfortable by not drinking — and like I said this is probably because they have a distorted relationship with alcohol themselves.
The people who really matter won’t hound you for grabbing a seltzer or alcohol free beer. They won’t tease you or make you feel like you’re doing something horrible by choosing to not drink alcohol (a toxic and addictive substance, mind you).
Not everyone deserves to hear the truth about why I quit. I don’t owe anyone an explanation about why I decided to not drink anymore, and try to remind myself that “No, thank you,” is a complete sentence. However, I thought I would compile a quick list of some white lies to use to to avoid having the awkward “I quit drinking” conversations — and I can definitely see myself using some of them in the near future.
“I’m working later”
“I’m working in the morning”
“I’m training for a marathon”
“I’m on a health kick”
“I’m doing whole 30”
“I have my car so I need to be able to drive”
“I’m on medication that doesn’t mix well with alcohol”
“I’m doing a 30 day fitness challenge”
“My friend is struggling with sobriety and I am staying sober in solidarity with them”
Considering I did get sober during this pandemic, a few times I have said “Oh I haven’t really been drinking during lockdown and I’m feeling good so I’m going to keep it going” and people have been understanding of that reason.
Since this is the longest I have gone sober, I am finding that with more days under my belt, I can more easily say “No thank you” to a drink and it hasn’t been a big deal so far. In reality, most people do not care one bit if you’re drinking or not! They’re probably too worried about their own drinking, if they are anything like me.
So the next time someone asks “Why are you not drinking?” I know that if I have some quick answers on hand I will be better equip to handle the situation.
If someone gives me a hard time about it… I will know what to say.
And I will know that it’s their problem — not mine.
